Site Reliability Team Lead at News UK

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17 April 2011


by Mike

If you met me in the street you would think I was completely laid back, that nothing phases me... and little could be further from the truth. I am a perfectionist and often I am so scared of not doing something right and pleasing people that I will often not do it at all. If what jobs I do accomplish aren't done perfectly, then they aren't good enough and I am worthless. If I don't do tasks, then I haven't failed to do them less than perfectly... I simply did not do them at all. Not doing it is not failing at doing it. I don't judge other people by the same standards - hell no... I am not worthy enough to do that. I can see some evidence of it even in primary school at about age 8 or 9. Learning the recorder for example. I was perfectly happy learning in a group where other people and their terrible playing could shield me, but as soon as I had to demonstrate what I had learnt to the class I balked... I couldn't do it and I bailed. At least with knowing I have a problem I can try to do something about it, but it isn't going to be something I can solve overnight and it wont be easy. I know I can conquer it, since I have proven to myself that I can produce good work, but knowing and actually feeling comfortable with it are two different things. These last few months have been the worst I have experienced and I can sit down at the computer and fail to get much constructive work done. Sure, I can produce things I don't need to, that people aren't expecting, because I know I wont be judged on them, but it doesn't help the people that do need things from me. It does seem that [http://www.structuredprocrastination.com/index.php](Structured Procrastination) the problem is common...